On First Times

Hahahahaha don't worry... You will be fine... Its my first time too... I will walk you thru it... ;)

On Mind Tricks

...you already did it on me

On Food

...I thought u were just going to put that in my mouth but that would be too convienent wouldn't it.

On Dropping Cigarettes

Why can't u just keep it in ur mouth? Ur on timeout.

On Nipple Piercings

...my nipples stuck in my beer

On Loading Suitcases

...you don't have to put it in the front, u can put it in the back u know

How Big is that Weight?

...It's about 8 inches if I spread my thumb and pointer finger...

On Seat Belts

"No it's cool... once I get it in there it's fine... I just have to force it out..."

On Dolphins...Literally

...I wonder if they like being ridden.

On Straws

...don't you hate it when you suck and nothing comes.

Whale > Mermaid

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, WOW, look how smart I am!

...click title to read entire letter

On Bug Bites

...I can't even care anymore. I always get stuff on my face.

On the Power of the Vacuum Suction

...did you blow it or vacuum it?

It's Too Big

...I didn't think it would fit, that was surprising!

Overheard at Work

...i don't know if i can handle any more balls in my mouth

Just Like Gnomes

...you could've replaced them with two garden gnomes, and they would've contributed just as much

On Vegas One Night Stands

Did you do any gambling tonight?

---I just fukd u in the bathroom without a condom didn't I?

Prone to Dropping Your Cell Phone?

...your phone looks like Rihanna after a night out with Chris Brown.

On Nicknames

...How about we call u Boob?
---I don't want my nickname to be a female reproductive organ.

On Popsicles...

...you know why I think this isn't good.... Cuz I expected it to be creamier....

At Starbucks

Its not that satisfying.... But I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna eat it anyway.....

Sitting in Airports

...no put ur head right there...yeah, right there...that feels better.

Pimpin' Like Harry Potter

...she is definitely on my TO DO List... and that list is getting quite long. Like a scorcerer's scroll.

The Moresome

"...remember that guy daniel i didn't have a three way with?"

Britney Papsmears

Wait--are u guys talking about papsmears?

No--were talking about Britney Spears.

On Gold Digging

On quitting your job to be a gold digger:

If he's getting his phd then u won't have to work, right?
--Well, yeah, but if we break up what do I do get a job at Express?

On Getting Your Hopes Up

"she told me not to get my hopes up".

"they're your hopes, you can do want u want with them".

San Francisco is

"...the city of Strap-Ons"

You're an Auditor--WTF is that?

--touche.

On The Text Smiley

"...if you text someone a smiley it means you want to have sex with them..."

:)

The 'I Love You' Facial

"....a facial means 'I love you' in pornstar...."

On Throwing Away Stale Chocolate Cat Cookies

"Noooooooo, not the chocolate pussys!"

Les Tribulations d'une Caissiere

Sounds like being a cashier would incline one to hear a lot of TWSSits. Anna Sam discusses her experiences as a cashier dealing with overhearing people on a regular basis in her 190-page memoir,which has now been translated into more languages that I know (>1).

Mimosa Mix

4th of July 7:30am

"OMG Girls--Let's get Mimosa Mix?!"--Sorority Girl A to Sorority Girl B.

The Conceited Handicapped

Passing by a handicapped girl in a wheelchair talking to her friend:

"...yeah, and she said I was conceited, I am not conceited"--said the handicapped